I am going to lay it out there right now. I have not been a willing participant in this journey. I would love to give you the impression of this glowing, Christian woman who put her full faith in God and was able to hold onto the hope and promises that God has given us. However, I would be lying. I went through this kicking and screaming. I was angry at God for placing this struggle in our lives. I often found myself wondering where He was at and whether there was any point of praying if God was not listening anyhow. Looking back, I can see how very wrong I was.
I will include as the next post an article I wrote right after Turkey-Man was born, entitled “And, God Gave Us Hope.” I needed to document each experience in retrospect of how God had worked in our lives throughout this journey. Had I paused at the time and recognized what He was doing, I may have been a little less resistant in this journey.
I found myself a few weeks ago remembering the journey to Little-Flower, with a sense of nostalgia. It struck me as very odd to have that feeling because our wait with her was full of agony and drama. We had a Native American birthfather that was not fully on board with the adoption. Even if he signed off, we had to get past the Indian Child Welfare Act, needing the additional signatures of four tribal councils. My sister-in-law was pregnant for triplets. The doctors would only allow her to carry to 36 weeks, which was exactly the date that Little-Flower was due. I was terrified of having the adoption fall through and facing three newborns at the same time or having something happen to the triplets and face a sense of survivor’s guilt in holding my own newborn. (Thankfully, everything turned out perfectly on both ends!) And at one point in addition to the triplets, my sister, three other sister-in-laws and my husband’s best friend were all expecting as well. For anyone who has not struggled with infertility- that is a nightmare!
So, why was I sitting there almost wishing I was back in that timeframe? Because, it was one of only a few times in my life that I can honestly say I could feel a peace that transcended all understanding. I could feel God walking right beside me. I knew in the deepest part of my soul that He was with me, helping me through this. It was also a time in my life that I knew there was nowhere else to turn but into His arms. It was far beyond what I was capable of withstanding on my own.
It was that sense that I found myself longing for. In everyday life, we get caught up in the mundane day-to-day tasks. Sure, I pray and read my bible, but pretty much most of my daily experiences I can handle on my own. So much so, that I find myself forgetting that I need to continue to rely on God. In 2 Corinthians 12:9, Paul, after asking God to remove the thorn in his side, said, “But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” In my weakest state, the power of God was overwhelmingly evident. That is what I was yearning to feel again.
Even if you are not a reader who is struggling with infertility or adoption, you may be able to relate to this from another challenge you have faced. When you find yourself wondering where God went or why he is being so silent, stop and look for him hiding in your life. If you need to, write out a list of times where you could see the hand of God at work, something that you can pull out and reflect on when you doubt his presence in your life. Satan would like nothing more than to feed us this lie that God has deserted us. In Hebrews 13:5 we have God’s promise that he “will never leave or forsake us.” For what it is worth, I can promise, but most importantly, the Bible promises that he is always there!