Many have heard the stoplight version of God answering prayers. Red means no, yellow means not yet, and green means yes. For those of us stuck on a yellow light for an extended period of time, it can begin to feel meaningless.
It is very difficult to fully explain the ups and downs of waiting, month by month for a dream that may never occur. Each month dawns a new beginning of hope, ended by crushing pain. It’s two extremes that fall closely together, month after month after month. The end of the journey is never actually in sight. It draws on for eternity until God’s timing for your life is revealed. You can only sit in the waiting, with no control on its ultimate outcome.
It is very hard to see the beauty in the wait. Looking back, I can see the many ways that I have grown through this journey. The waiting humbled me and showed me what reliance on God looked like. I have become thankful that God found something within me to draw me closer to Him. As scripture promises, He used suffering to produce a closer walk with him. Hebrews 12: 7-11 has become one of my favorite scriptures because it makes me fully aware of his love for me.
“Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children. For what children are not disciplined by their father? If you are not disciplined – and everyone undergoes discipline – then you are not legitimate, not true sons and daughters at all. Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of spirits and live! They disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.”
Scripture assures us that much good comes from periods of difficulty. As feeble as it feels sometimes, we have to place our hope in that.
I wrote a poem in hopes of depicting the emotions of infertility waiting for the green light to come only to have it seemingly turn red instead, and somehow finding thankfulness in that.
Waiting on this road so long.
As the months roll on I wonder, “Is this where I belong?”
Waiting, the “two week wait” is here
Could it really be that pregnancy is near?
Waiting. Another month goes by
With silent tears within my soul I can’t help but wonder why.
Waiting, while pregnancies abound.
Except within my womb where only emptiness is found.
Waiting, my hope is fading fast.
I don’t know how much longer I have the strength to last.
Waiting, I see the end is here.
With dreams left unfulfilled, I grieve my deepest fear.
Waiting, God I don’t understand.
You say there is a purpose here in this barren land.
Waiting, I am longing now for peace.
When from this pain that grips me, will I finally find release?
Waiting, God only now I fully see.
It’s in waiting I am molded into who you need me to be.
Waiting, though a choice not mine to make,
I see the beauty in it, with each step I take.
Waiting, seeing God’s in full control.
Has left my faith increased in ways only I can know.
Waiting, the lessons learned profound.
Thank-you God for this path, this walk on sacred ground.
In looking back through the waiting periods in your life, what lessons have you learned?