If at first you don’t succeed…

… TRY, TRY AGAIN! This week’s Wednesday’s Wild Chronicles brings us to meeting an expectant mother, take 2!

After letting the agency know that we had given their information to another prospective birthmother we sat back not sure what to expect next. Mercifully, this expectant mother did not make us wait long!

Within a few weeks, we heard back from the agency that the young woman whom I will refer to as Mama-A had made contact with them and they had started working with her. We were given a word of caution to wait until after the first trimester had passed before getting directly involved as it is somewhat common for adoption plans to fall apart once the pregnancy becomes more real to the expectant mother.

We waited until she was approximately 14 weeks along and finally made arrangements to meet. As with our first meeting, the plan was to go a pick Mama-A up, have dinner at a restaurant and talk. Given that she was young, we invited her to bring a friend along for support.

When we arrived to pick up Mama-A and her friend we were greeted not only with her immediate family, but her aunts, uncles and grandparents were also there to meet us. It was a little overwhelming at first, but then it dawned on me how nice it was for her family to love her enough to want to make sure she was making a good decision.

After spending some time with her family we took off for dinner. She had elected to bring a cousin along which ended up working out great! It’s a bit awkward getting to know a perfect stranger. Her cousin ended up doing a great job facilitating! She asked several of the questions as Mama-A was a bit shy and quiet at first. Once we all got talking, we clicked well!

I am not sure how to explain it, but from the beginning A seemed like a little sister. There was something about her that connected with me. I cared for her as a person, not just as a prospective birthmother. The relationship was not something I expected. I certainly wanted to be this baby’s mother, but first, I wanted what was best for Mama-A.

We discussed the adoption. She was looking for a semi-open arrangement with letters and pictures. She did not want an ongoing relationship. At first, she did not even want to hear the baby cry. She wanted it whisked away as soon as it was born. This all would change over time, but at the moment it was exactly what we were looking for as well.

Two different comments prior to ever even knowing about the situation with Mama-A have always stuck with me. The therapist that I saw during our infertility treatments and for a couple of years after my hysterectomy once asked me if I would be comfortable making an adoption plan with a teen mom. At the time, I was not. I remember a discussion about really adopting two kids in that scenario because in a way you adopt the mother along with the baby. It seemed too messy to me at the time.

Then, during a discussion with our social worker from the agency regarding the level of openness we were looking for (semi-open with letters and pictures, but no ongoing contact) she looked at me and said, “You might be surprised if you meet the right expectant mother.” At the time, we could not imagine our comfort level ever changing.

Everything we had ever pictured was about to do a 180!

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