A Toddler Monologue

With the wind chill running between ten and twenty below, my sanity has been a bit compromised as I have been homebound with Turkey-Man and Little-Flower. Little-Flower has been working her full-on toddler behavior leaving me somewhere between ready to boot her into next week and cracking up laughing at the absolute irrational nature of her antics. Inspired by some of the things I read on the Honest Toddler Facebook page, I wanted to write a toddler monologue of my own based off of events with Little-Flower this morning. (Please note, not one event has been fabricated!)

“Seeing that you are in the process of making applesauce, could you slice an apple up for me to eat? Now! No, not when you are done. I am dying of starvation here! What are you thinking?!Oh, you want me to eat it at the table? Never mind. I guess I will just wait until you turn your back and I’ll sneak it into the living room. Caught? Forget it. Who said I wanted apples anyhow?

No, you may not let Turkey-Man eat my unwanted apples! Cut another apple up immediately. You said what?! You are going to make me wait a half hour until it is time for lunch? Watch this! I am going to make your life a living hell. Apple! Apple! Can’t you see my tears! I need the apple now! No, not in 18 minutes! Now! Apple! Have you lost your hearing? I am screaming ‘apple’ and yet you ignore my pleas!

Well, that was the longest thirty minutes of my life. How about you? Thanks for the apple by the way. What? I have to sit in my chair at the table to eat these ones too?!

Ha! One bite in and you have already turned your back. Let’s see how many slices I can throw on the floor before you notice. Half of an apple! Nice! By the way, “apple” was actually the code word for banana bread. Don’t you know these things by now?!

I need a fork to eat this banana bread. I must not dirty my hands. The juice from the apples has dried just right and I can’t mess that up! No, it does not matter that I cannot get the banana bread on the fork. DO NOT PUT A BITE ON MY FORK FOR ME! Never mind. I did not actually want banana bread. It was fun watching your food get cold while you cut it up for me just right!

I want to go night-night. Now! No, I will not be eating any lunch. Lunch is overrated. Who needs that? Oh, you say I do? Well we will just see how that works out for you. Go ahead, try and make me eat! Remember all of the times I have cried until I threw up because you wanted me to eat? Well, we don’t really want to see a repeat of that, do we?

I said night-night and I meant that! No, you may not eat your still slightly warm lunch. Night-night now and I will cry until you take me there! Go ahead and enjoy your lunch listening to this!

Finally, you agree, but you say you are taking me to ‘bed’? No bed! I said ‘night-night’! Get it straight!

Now, before you lay me down I need a clean diaper, but as I have told you daily for nearly two years the diaper must be changed without removing any clothing. After two years, I would think you would have that figured out by now.

No! Not the pants! Do.Not.Take.My.Pants.Off!! I will just hold onto them like my life depends on it. You’re going to have to pry my little fingers off these if you want to take them off!

So, you are stronger than me. Let me have those pants. There! Have fun fishing them out from between the wall and the changing table!

I was kidding about wanting a clean diaper. Don’t you know that naked butts are the ‘in’ thing these day? Catch up with the times, Mom!

You say ‘Too bad’? Well, you are going to have to pin me down if you want to get one on me! Have fun putting my diaper on with one hand while you restrain me with the other. Don’t let up on holding me down. I will make you start the whole process over if I get the chance!

Now you want to me to wear pants again? Make up your mind! You’re the one who took them off! Don’t even try to put those back on me again! Well, I guess you’ll have to get them on me while I scream, kick you and try rolling away. Good luck!

Alright, you succeeded. I’ll have to try a little harder next time. Get that sleep sack on me now! You know I need that to sleep. Thanks for zipping it up, but I actually would like a little vent. I’ll just unzip it half-way.

Wait! You are going to put me in bed with a half unzipped sleep sack? What kind of mother are you?! Zip it up and place me on my stomach so I cannot see the zipper. You know I cannot control these urges to unzip it even if I want it fully zipped!

Geez that struggle was exhausting. Night-Night, Mommy!”

Yeah, that was just two hours! Seriously, she is going to make the next year or two (or eighteen) interesting! It is a good thing she has moments like this!

15-2-24 002

They make her behavior almost tolerable! (And people think stay-at-home-moms have it easy!)

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