I heard the song “Thy Will Be Done” by Hillary Scott the other day for the first time and the chills it gave me are something I have not experienced in quite some time. It brought me back to two of the most difficult parts of our journey, times where I had nothing left to say other than, “Thy will be done.”
I will never forget sitting in our bathroom crying breathless sobs after I realized pregnancy would never happen for us. We had went into that round of treatment with the prayer that if pregnancy was not the path for us that God would give us a sign. Often, we were unable to do treatment back-to-back cycles due to cysts developing. We decided if we were faced with delaying treatment for another cyst that we would take that as our sign that it was time to pursue the hysterectomy. Seeing a cyst again on the ultrasound screen was heartbreaking. I knew it meant the end. I went home, closed the bathroom door, and cried like I have never cried in my life. I was shattered. The only thing I had left to say was “Thy will be done.” I knew there was no immediate answer to trying to understand God’s will. Only that I had to accept whatever it was for my life.
The other moment that flashed to mind was receiving the phone call that let us know the baby boy we had grown to love and expected to parent would not be joining our family. I remember being unable to understand how the world kept right on spinning when it felt like a bomb had detonated in mine. I knew it was not for me to understand why God had led us down the path to adoption and allowed for it to end in failure. In that pain, I had to trust in his will.
“Thy will be done.” Four little words that should come naturally to Christians. Cognitively, we understand that God has a plan for our lives, but when it does not line up with our dreams, it can feel like it takes superhuman strength to still believe in them.
Those words mean surrendering yourself and following wherever it is that God leads you. Sometimes that is a mountaintop experience, sometimes a valley and others a desert. It can be rocky and painful, but our job is to trust. Proverbs 3:5-6 has been an inspiration to me, a reminder in the times when I yearn to understand the path that I am being led down.
Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.
It is not our job to understand. Our human minds are not designed to comprehend God’s plans. Another of my favorite passages is Job 38-40. God lays out the majestic things he has done and asks Job to explain how they work. The point being that God’s ways are too magnificent for human minds to grasp. Those scriptures have a way of reducing me to feeling incredibly small compared to the vast plans God has for this world.
In the moments of my deepest pain I can honestly say that the only words that quieted my raging mind were, “Thy will be done.” Something in that gives pain a purpose. I could hypothesize over and over as to why God had taken me down the heartbreaking path I was on, but I knew I would come up with only empty ideas. I was too small and insignificant to understand what God was doing with my life.
Accepting God’s will is not always easy, in fact sometimes it is devastating, but acknowledging that He has a plan and a purpose brings peace. The path may be painful, but that very pain is the same thing that can draw us closer to Him. I can honestly say that our journey has caused me to trust in God in way that I am not sure would have happened to this extent any other way. I am thankful for the pain we have endured.
For any of you who are struggling through infertility or adoption, I hope that you will reach that conclusion too. Trust in His plan. He is good!