Seven years ago today, we found out that our last attempt at pregnancy had failed. Seven years ago today, I wept from a depth of my soul that I was previously unaware even existed. Seven years ago today, my prayers for pregnancy ended with a resounding “No.”
This was not how it was supposed to end. We went into our last IUI with 9 follicles. The doctor would not even do the procedure without first discussing the subject of selective reduction (to which we promptly said, “No way.”). Our doctor was more concerned over how many babies I would become pregnant with, not if I would even become pregnant. I was elated with this news. The devastation I felt the morning I found out it had all ended in failure shook me to my core.
For this week’s Thursday’s Transforming Truths, I want to share with you a letter to that 28 year old girl…
Dear 28 year old Me,
I know it feels like your life has ended. I know you are blinded by the pain you are in. But, you have to hold on. I am here to tell you that this is not the endpoint.
I know you are confused by God’s answer to your pleas. I know you believed that if you just kept praying, God would eventually provide you with the miracle that you were looking for. A miracle is still coming (actually two!), just not in the way you pictured.
You know that song “Beauty From Pain” by Superchic(k). Listen
to it. Listen to it on repeat. 24/7 repeat until you can clutch onto the promises of that song. There will be beauty from these ashes.
Listen to the lyrics until you know them word by word. The darkness is surrounding you. Your dreams have run like sand through the fists that you made, clutching so tightly to your dreams. Your whole world is the pain inside you. I know you wonder why God is letting you walk through this place. But, there will be beauty –it will rise from these ashes!
The next couple of years you will spend fumbling through life, trying to pick up the pieces and decipher what God wants for you. It will be difficult. You will feel like you have lost all sense of yourself with the dreams you have constructed since childhood now shattered.
This time you spend wandering and wondering will be good for you. You will grow in ways you never understood were possible. You will find out God will make his will for your life known and when that happens, it will be unmistakable.
You will learn how to rely on God. I know you think you have already learned this lesson. I know you feel like you relied on God to answer your prayers and it failed. I know your heart is hesitant to ever place your trust in God again. But you will and you will learn to rely on him completely and unconditionally.
Although right now you wonder if God has found you unworthy of motherhood and that is why your prayers were answered with a “No,” you will come to realize that He finds you very worthy of His love. Fight against your heart’s desire to walk away from God. He is waiting for you with open arms when you are ready.
Seven years from today, your life will be amazing! The beauty from this pain that God has in store for you is beyond anything you can envision. You will be typing this letter to yourself hoping to finish it before your two children wake up! Yes, you read that right! Two children! I know that is very hard to believe right now!
You will not get through this journey unscathed. There will be scars. But, those scars will remind you of all that you have learned and how much you have grown. You will never have stretch marks on your skin, but you will certainly have them on your soul.
Sometimes you will wish those scars away, but don’t. Those scars are the very evidence that God fought for your love. He will allow you to suffer through this because He knows the good that will come out of it. He knows how this journey will transform you.
Hold on. Fight through this darkness. You will find your footing again. And I promise when you do, you will look at the surroundings of the path you are on and find the view incredible!
Your 35 year old self