Dear U.S. Military,

I have a new strategy to get the opponent to talk. It’s a tactic that no government would blink an eye at. It would draw no negative worldview reaction. The only people that may object are mothers who have been through this torture, but they are usually constrained to only watching children’s shows so they have no idea on anything current affairs related.

Here it is:

Lock the opponent in a small room with a four year old child who just had his tonsils out and now has the stomach flu.

They may not leave the room to obtain food or shower throughout the duration of the exercise unless meticulous plans are made for another responsible adult to sit with the child.

The child must be a picky eater who does not like ice cream, popsicles or any other form of frozen treat that would calm the throat pain and provide fluids.

In the room next door must be a screaming toddler who’s mother is not able to stay with him therefore causing hours long tantrums while he screams for his mom to come back. Opponent may do nothing to help soothe the little boy and must only listen to the screams.

The exercise ends when the four year old begins consuming enough fluids to be released from the small room or when the opponent spills all of the national secrets they know. By day three when the four year old is willing to eat eggs and pancakes, but continues to refuse all types of oral hydration the opponent will be airing their nations dirty laundry from the rooftops!

Trust me, this will work! I would have broke and talked in a heartbeat this morning after it took six hours of bribing, coaxing and threatening to get one cup of water down Turkey-Man. He is back to completely refusing all attempts to get anything, including medication, down him.

It’s never good when the pediatrician tells you this is the first time she has ever dealt with a kid having the stomach flu right after a tonsillectomy! We are in for another night in the hospital while they change medications around in hopes of getting his stomach better and the pain under more control.

This won’t last forever, right?