Yes, I have finally reached the age where the authorities feel I must abandon the comfort of my diaper and use that cold, pool-like object in the bathroom… the dreaded potty training. I thought I would share how our process works in case any of you are researching ideas on how to make it through this phase while keeping in line with the ultimate goal of parental degradation.
THE TIMER BEEPS – (This is the start! Are you ready?)
At the sound of the timer alternate without pattern (so as not to make it easy to anticipate your reaction) between cheering like this is the most exciting event of your life; crying your saddest tears, heartbroken to being forced to separate with your diaper; and throwing yourself on the floor like the authorities have suggested the ultimate atrocity. If you are using the cheerful tactic race to the bathroom! Otherwise, force the authorities to drag you.
I have even been known to lay face first on the bathroom floor and declare, “I want to die!” just to amp things up a little!
This must be done independently. Any help from the authorities may give them the idea that they are worthwhile and competent. We know that this ideology is dangerous and must be avoided at all costs. If unable to make it to the toilet in time, so be it. One extra thing that the authorities will have to deal with.
USAGE OF THE TOLIET
This is the one time in which you should allow the authorities to help if the need arises. If the toilet is not toddler size (Seriously, why do these exist?!) you run the risk of actually falling in. Have you seen what happens when this pool-like object is flushed?!
If unable to use the toilet successfully, cry as if your best friend has died repeatedly saying “Can’t get pee-pee out.” Demand you sit on the toilet until a successful outcome has been reached regardless of length of time. Bonus points if you can linger long enough to frustrate the authority.
I know a lot of you subscribe to the “more is better” philosophy of toilet paper usage. That is so overdone that I have decided to take the minimalist approach. One square. It must be exactly one full square, torn perfectly on the perforation. If at any point the square is impaired, it is to be discarded and restarted. As per usual, this must be independently torn from the roll. My particular authority thinks she is tricky and will tear two squares off and fold them in half so they appear to be one. This will not do. She seems incapable of understanding my specifications and persists in doing so. I am not sure how many times I will have to tear the squares into two and hand her the extra one but as of this afternoon it’s been 82. Hopefully, your authority is a little brighter.
Of course, must be done independently
A lot of you are not as privileged as I am and are tall enough to reach the sink by yourself. I am not, therefore I get to assert my usual banter that I must do all things by myself even though I physically cannot. It is this type of irrationality that I thrive on! Somehow my authority must hold me up to the sink; hand me the soap dispenser so I can unsuccessfully use the pump; help me use the pump; get the water turned to the perfect temperature – 104 degrees; wait the allotted two rounds of singing “Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star” and give me the towel to dry my hands. It is entertaining to watch this little event unfold each time, her awkwardness is so apparent!
PUTTING CLOTHING BACK ON
Again, must be done independently! Arms go into the pull-up or underwear first, right?
With any luck, you will have completed this sequence with just minutes to spare before the timer beeps again. Essentially, throughout this, the main objective is to hold the authorities captive and make sure they feel completely powerless. As always, let irrationality reign!
Happy Potty Training to you all!
(P.S. – In the process of writing this, I pooped in my diaper! My authority suggested I begin cleaning it up myself. To which I of course replied, “Yes, please! Please!” cheerfully! Let the fun begin…! <Insert Evil Laugh>)