Children Should Come With A Warning Label

Through the years I have thought of a number of things that would be helpful in this motherhood quest. I am not asking for much, just things like a digital readout as to why your baby is crying so it can be quickly remedied. Another being a warning letting you know exactly how many absurd conversations will be required in the raising of this child. At least then I could feel like these little chats were in the realm of normalcy.

Leading up to this post today has been a theme that is seemingly permeating our household. My children refuse to wear clothing. I would bet five out of seven days per week I have to tell Turkey-Man to put his clothes back on. He will take off his pants and underwear to use the restroom and come wandering out to play with toys in just a t-shirt. In my mind, it seems like things would be a bit drafty, but it is like it just simply does not occur to him that he would need to put them back on. Over the weekend I had to stop Turkey-Man from answering the door completely nude.

They don’t limit this idea to the confines of our home. I have had many conversations with Turkey-Man in public restrooms. He will come out of a stall to wash his hands in just his t-shirt. Hello! We are in public! I would think he would notice no one else is washing their hands in only a shirt. But, no, it does not appear that he does.

Yesterday, Little-Flower had gymnastics. Instead of practicing somersaults, she practiced stripping. I looked away for a second. When I looked back, she had taken her arms out of her romper and had it down around her waist. Only her diaper was left covered. Really?! No one else is removing their clothing, just my child.

(Now, I will assure you that hubby and I wear clothing around the house. We are not really into the whole nudity thing at all. In fact, I try to model modest attire at all times. I have no clue as to why our children don’t seem to catch onto this!)

My strange conversations are not just limited to the clothing issue. Yesterday at gymnastics I also had to tell little flower that she may not lick my fingers… or toes.

With Turkey-Man I have had many, many PG-13 chats that have left me wondering why he never seems to make these remarks to daddy. I can only imagine what it is like to be in a family with multiple boys! The obsession with their genitals is astounding at times.

Bodily functions have been at the center of many of these ridiculous talks. “You cannot pee on your baby sister!” “Poop is not war paint! (Or wall paint, or crib paint…)” This year on vacation I found myself having to exclaim, “No, you cannot put your head between your brother’s legs while he is pooping!” Yeah, I didn’t anticipate needing to have that conversation either! Why would anyone think that is a good idea?!

When our children were placed in my arms, I envisioned teaching them to read, ride bikes and explore. I never anticipated what the day-to-day conversations might look like. However, in my quest for this warning label, an adult would have to write down the list of questions Mama would be asked. My mind is a bit lacking in the creativity realm, but I am not sure that even the most imaginative adult could come up with some of the things that have popped up in our home. It seems you truly cannot make up real life.

At least it keeps me laughing!

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